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What is the meaning of life?
I walk around a lot, being sans car its really my only option, and while I'm walking I have a lot of time to ponder this question. Of course, more often than not I still dont take the time to. Honestly, who cares? As if something as expansive as life ought to have one all-encompassing meaning anyway. I can pretty much guarantee that my meaning of life is a hell of a lot different than most peoples.
Of course, I do take the time to consider things about life in general. Not necessarily philisophical gems, but something nonetheless.
1) In a relationship, a man should strive to be as a Rhinoceros.
The thing about the rhino is that it doesnt have to do anything but be a rhino, and we are impressed by it. Its never around, but when we see it, we are impressed because it is mysterious and foreign. We will continue to think so, so long as the rhinoceros remains a mystery, no matter how big of a dickwad the Rhino actually is.
2) In a relationship, women ought to realize they do not actually want to have sex with a Rhinoceros.
Take this literally or figuratively, ladies, but always in application to the first law.
3) Getting an A in Astronomy does not mean you have to switch majors and move to Montana to work on your doctorate.
Still, it would be nice if I could see a single god damn star at night.
4) Pornography does not adequately supplement true love.
It does, however, make for a fine friday night.
5) No one knows anything about anything.
Seriously. We're all just talking out of our collective asses. If we were a collective, like the Borg or some such, basically all we'd assimilate would be factoids about Paris Hilton that were largely fictional. I heard someone say something profound once, but it turned out they were just quoting Yoda.
6) If someone asks you what you would wish for if you had three wishes, never answer them honestly.
I don't see why wanting to have a meaningful relationship with a pair of ridiculously hot twins is such a big deal. CALM DOWN PEOPLE. (The next two wishes were marginally worse.)
7) In a relationship, its better overall if neither of you are wearing the pants.
Pretty self explanatory really.
8) Wal-mart is the perfect location for all of your zombie-fighting needs.
Seriously, they sell guns, axes, food... the place is pretty amazing.
9) Wikipedia absorbs more of a person's attention than it ought to.
Hawking has a theory relatiing wikipedia to singularities.
10) If the devil doesn't pop up whenever you volunteer to sell your soul, he probably already has it.
I drew up the necessary blood-inked paperwork just in case.
11) No one is sure when it happens, but there is some sort of quatum time loop that causes people to forget how bad the past sucked and start referring to it as "the good ol' days".
Seriously. You childhood sucked. Stop pretending.
12) All the good superpowers are owned by major corporations.
Its damn near impossible to write a comic book about the Incredible Tube Sock Man.
13) Comic books are even less adequate than porn for replacing relationships.
Sorry Deadpool.
14) If you delete your entire hard drive every time you hear police sirens, this is a good sign you ought to rethink your internet useage.
The girls on those sites may have been legal, but what they were doing with those Rhinos was most certainly not.
15) Peoples opinions sound more reasonable when you're attracted to them.
She told me that Cabaret was good, and for some reason I believed her.
16) The Hulk is real, and he rampages around Tampa wrecking shit. (The destruction list keeps growing.)
Tampa natives have no idea what the fuck that guys problem is.
17) America will fall fighting an endless number of Chinese infantry, and end up ruled over by giant bipedal Japanese mecha.
I am plagued by visions of the future, I can see that guy from G Gundam crushing the White House while he takes thirty minutes to shout a move. (On a side, not, Im not sure why the Chinese and Japanese teamed up in my vision. Sounds sort of uncharacteristic.)
18) If you learn Mandarin because you figure 800 million speak it, you will never run into any of them.
Fuck.
19) You will reach a point in your life when you no longer understand the music of Now.
Mine was four years ago.
20) Liking Mandy Moore will get your ass kicked by twelve year old girls.
Shins bruise easily. Current Mood:  calm Current Music: Jem |
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Mar. 7th, 2006 @ 12:12 am
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I suck at life.
A lot of other things too, actually, but life in particular.
My dad thinks I'm gay again. I told him I was hanging out with someone, and accidentally let that person's gender preference slip... Now I am "turning gay", apparently.
So, I now have to endure his constant inquiries as to whether or not I have a girlfriend.
I don't really want or deserve a girlfriend at this point in my life. Sorry, pops... I got my reasons.
Onto other things.
Ashley! I hope you are doing well in Japan. We miss you a lot over here, and you're kitties wont stop meowing at me all the time. Come back home an' make them stop!
Graham! I don't know if you still check livejournals, but when are you gonna be in Florida next? I've got a Spring Break coming up real soon an' Ill be in Port Orange this weekend. Drop me a line you greasy bastard!
Kristak! You are a pirate. |
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Dec. 8th, 2005 @ 10:24 pm
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To anyone who cares:
I will be home next week for a few days. Home as in, I will be in Daytona. So, umm, look for me there. 3867631140.
Thats me! Ill be shooting for the 17th, or even the 16th, with any luck. |
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Dec. 4th, 2005 @ 04:56 am
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Dear Rachel...
TiVo is a jerk.
I told it to tape, and it neglected to comply. However, I am pretty sure they play a repeat of the previous Saturday's SNL on the following Saturday. I will get it then. |
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Nov. 19th, 2005 @ 09:31 pm
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Good morning, world.
It is I, Alan Kouns, and I come with a trace amount of insanity.
I have been home-working all day. I am not complaining, because I am enjoying it. I am however... hungry. |
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What the fuck is up, bitches?
Two midterms are done and over with. I can only hope I scored as well as I think I did on them both. I have lately been thinking about majoring in Religion. I seem to be performing admirably in the field right now...
We shall see. In the meantime, I ought to consider short term goals. Like how I am gonna pay for next semester.
I have been given a bit of advice about how it is best to pursue women from a variety of people. Most everyone agrees that the best way is for a man to simply ignore a woman. If you ignore her, she'll wonder whats wrong with her and try even harder to get your attention.
This sounds like a load of crap to me. It works, though, which is the sad part. I dont want the sort of woman who won't ever be satisfied unless she's unhappy.
Oct. 19th, 2005 @ 01:58 pm
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Holy crap, I dont have any idea what I wanna do with my life. I wake up every morning and try to think really short term. Like, "what am I gonna eat today so I dont starve?" Then I go to class and pay close attention so I dont fail quizzes/tests and try very hard to keep up with my reading despite my past nature of letting school work lie.
Anyhow.
About the concert... MSI was pretty awesome. Within the first three seconds of them coming to the stage the fans were in an uproar, and soon everyone was pressed against one another jumping and moshing, dancing and screaming... Three seconds after that my clothes and skin were drenched in the sweat of other people and my own. It was awesome. I was elbowed in the nose twice by some girl sitting on her boyfriends shoulders. This was less awesome.
By the way, ladies, it isnt ever cute to sit on your boyfriends shoulders. Everyone else has to look around you and your boyfriend probably isnt as strong as you think he is. And if you do happen to perch up there, try to pay attention to the guy who's field of vision you cut off and try not pound him in the face.
I expected to be hurt, but intentionally. It isnt cool to get beat down by a girl who doesnt even know she's doing it.
Another thing. If you are over 140 pounds DO NOT TRY TO CROWD surf. The fans of MSI are skinny goth kids and CANNOT lift you. My glasses were reduced to oblivion from the foot of a heft crowd-surfing girl.
The concert itself was awesome.
Sep. 26th, 2005 @ 01:58 pm
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Tonight my roommates and Richard are taking me to see Mindless Self Indulgence.
I have been told there will be moshing and drunken people. It will be a first for me.
Also, I was asked recently if I've met any sexy ladies yet. The answer is yes. I have met many women, the majority of whom have been lesbians. Apparently, most people seem to think I am a professor in my late 30's. I might start playing this off. Maybe some women like older men who turn out to be younger men.
Sep. 22nd, 2005 @ 04:15 pm
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I present to you life's greatest question:
If the Hulk and Godzilla got into a fight, who would emerge victorious?
Sep. 19th, 2005 @ 12:03 pm
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I am updating.
Classes are going okay, my brain hurts a lot, and I am making the occasional new friend.
Sep. 17th, 2005 @ 04:59 pm
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Today's guidlines were:
Setting: Tavern
Character: Penelope
Misc: have her be a thief
Enjoy! Or don't I suppose...
Her hair and clothes had grown soaked from the rain outside, so she made her way to the tavern’s fireplace as fast as her legs would carry her. The weather had been like this for days, an unending rainstorm relentlessly beating down upon the stone walls of the city. Varcond had never been like this before. The drought they’d suffered through for ten seasons over in ten days. Penelope froze by the fireplace, trying to rub some life back into her arms.
“’Ey, girl!” shouted the owner from behind the tavern. “Warm yerself an’ be on yer way!”
She shot a disdainful glance at the man, and then curled up around herself even further. If she had known the City of Coin was going to be like this, she would have stayed in Alorac.
A young man at the counter sipped at his ale in quiet contemplation, making a special note of the pretty young blonde freezing in the corner. “No need fer that, Morris,” he said suddenly. “Git the girl a drink, an’ I’ll pay fer it.”
Before she turned to face him she grinned in the most evil of manners. She stood and turned to him, immediately forgetting that her clothes were still soaked and letting them cling to her figure. “That isn’t necessary at all, young sir!” she insisted.
“Nonsense, yeh’ve obviously come a long way, the least I kin do is buy yeh a drink,” he said, smiling at her warmly.
She nodded happily and sat next to him. “I’ll have whatever he’s having, Morris!” she declared, feigning familiarity. The tender sighed and prepared her drink, setting it on the table within a few moments and then disappearing into the backroom.
“Are yeh sure about that, miss?” he asked sincerely. “Norbakkin liqour is some o’ the strongest in the world. An Easterner kin kill herself with it, if she isn’a careful.”
She rose an eyebrow at him and took a much larger defiance. Abruptly she choked and spit most of it back into the mug. She found herself gasping for air.
“Careful! I told yeh to watch yerself!” he said, awkwardly reaching out to her in case she needed help.
“I… guess you were right…” she sputtered.
A few moments passed before anyone spoke again.
“What make you think I’m an Easterner?” she asked, this time delicately sipping her drink.
His broad face broadened even further with his grin, “How many blondes have yeh seen since yeh’ve been here?”
She looked down at her feet and blushed. “I hadn’t thought about it… I guess you’re right. Everyone here is dark haired, all the men are so handsome and-”
She stopped and blushed even further but her new friend’s grin spread a mile. From the backroom the bartender groaned.
“What brings yeh here anyway? Varcond’s a great deal away from anywhere, especially when yeh ‘ave to cross a sea.”
“My father,” she stated simply. “He’s a merchant from the East Island Trading Company. I’m here with him.”
He nodded in understanding despite never having heard of the East Island Trading Company. She nodded as well, although she never had either.
“Where is yer old man?” he asked.
She sighed in discontent, leaning back in her stool and resting her head in her arms, “Asleep probably. He promised to take me around the city today, but he fell asleep the second we got here!”
The young man perked up immediately in response, “I’d be happy to take yeh around’, miss!”
Her eyes widened in pleasure, “Really?! If it wouldn’t be any trouble…?”
“No trouble! I’ve got nothing to do this morning, I’d consider it an honor!” he said quickly, almost in one sentence and without pause.
She bit her lower lip and looked out the tavern’s window. “Alright, sir. I’d love to! But Ill have to make a run back to the inn first. I can’t go anywhere soaking like this. Why don’t you come and get me in a few minutes?”
He nodded in agreement and watched her with great pleasure as she left.
A few moments passed before it hit him. He hadn’t asked her where she was staying. Varcond had about twelve inns in this district alone.
He jumped to his feet with great passion and made his way to the door.
“Ey!” shouted the bartender just before the young man left. “Don’t yeh be leavin’ without payin’! Yer father taught yeh better’n that!”
“But… I’ve got to catch the girl! Can’t yeh make me a tab?” he whined.
“Twenty years I’ve owned this bar an’ I never gave anyone a tab. Pay up and then chase after yer bit strumpet!”
He sighed with a mixture of rage and grief, stomping over to the tender like a child denied his candy. He reached down to his purse, discovering that it was in fact no longer attached.
He spun around towards the door and an expression of shock crossed his face. “She… couldn’t have!”
The bartend laughed a boisterous guffaw at the young man’s expense. “So yeh’ll be doin' dishes, then?” he asked with a chuckle.
Meanwhile Penelope fully intended to have a night on the town.
Aug. 19th, 2005 @ 02:34 am
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Interview didn't go so well. The guy seemed to like me okay, but he said he couldn't hire me based off of my schedule.
Suck!
Anyhow, here I am at a standstill.
Aug. 17th, 2005 @ 02:34 pm
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Job interview today with the valet service. Wish me luck!
Aug. 17th, 2005 @ 12:55 pm
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I am at a loss. Where are my pants?
Aug. 9th, 2005 @ 03:36 am
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I just got my book up and running on my computer, so I've been working on that a bit. My sister just left this morning, she'll be in Alabama soon, I guess.
Last night some girl was screaming around my apartment, so I looked out the window to find this chick running her ass off down the street. I get worried, because I think she might be in some sort of trouble, but just as I'm preparing to play my hero part and run down the stairs, she stops running and comes to a stop. She looks around a bit and completely changes her demeanor; so I close the blinds, thinking that maybe she was just in a hurry.
I look out the window a few minutes later, and the girl is still there. Now she's sitting on the corner just a few yards from my house and her head is tucked between her knees; she appears to be sobbing. "That's it!" I say to myself. I put on some shoes and head downstairs, grabbing some trash to toss in the dumpster along the way. As I make my way outside to ask her what the hell is going on, I notice that she has dissappeared. I look to my left and there she is walking away, she nervously looks around frequently.
I wait a few minutes, smoking a cigarette, and wait to see if she does anything else. She comes back again, this time with a guy. They appear to be talking in a completely normal and composed manner. Matt comes out just as they pass by. We look at them both for a bit, wondering what in the hell was going on. We take a look at where she was sitting and discover she had dropped a sandal.
The girl had one shoe.
I went back to my room.
Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 11:01 am
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HMM... moving this Saturday, which should be fun. I just got a new computer, too. I'll be setting that up there. Lets see...
I just saw the preview for The Devil's Rejects, and I thought of you Nessa.
What else? I have a few more things to return to Eric. I really did borrow a lot of that poor guys shit. Tsk Tsk, Alan. But hey! I returned most of it. My classes this semester are going to be fun, I think. I didn't really get the ones I wanted initially, but considering how late I applied and registered, I ended up with good ones.
People keep asking me what I want to do after college. The answer is simple.
Piracy. Im going to appropriate a vessel and pirate neutral waters. Come aboard, join my pirate band.
Alright folks. Have a good day.
Jul. 13th, 2005 @ 09:26 pm
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There's a book by an author my father is incredibly fond of by the name of Terry Brooks, and he writes the "Shannara" series of novels. In these Druids are the focus of the book, being the primary magic-casters and plot-movers, always remaining distant yet involved in the story. Brooks'characters are very similar to Tolkien's in that respect (Gandalf), but that isn't the point.
The Druids possess an ability called the Druid Sleep. This is probably stolen from Dungeons and Dragons, or maybe DnD stole it from him, I couldn't be sure. The ability consists of the Druid saying he is going to sleep for a given amount of time, and then he wakes up at the predetermined date, unaffected by age.
I would very much like to do this at this time in my life. Don't ask why, I just want to wake up two hundred years from now.
Jun. 26th, 2005 @ 10:20 pm
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I leave for Tampa next month. I will be starting school and most likely will not be back until Christmas. In any case, I know this is a wierd request, but what's the Chinese word for "magic"?
Jun. 19th, 2005 @ 01:51 pm
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I dont have a computer with internet access. This blows a lot.
I am 19 now. I got nothing but "move the fuck out" gifts from my mother. This is acceptable however. I never tell my mother what I want. How exactly are you supposed to say to your mom, "I'd like hentai. Oh, and also the West Wing."
Im going to wager she wouldnt take it well at all.
May. 1st, 2005 @ 12:37 am
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My Birthday is Monday. Seriously. I turn 19. Don't throw me a surprise party...
I remember reading that Graham-ana was gonna be in town? And I just have to say that its true, he doesn't really look like a banana anymore. We shall have to find anotheer fruit to associate him with. Perhaps we should all become associated with fruits. I want kiwi.
I'm leaving the Prine's tonight, since they'll be back in late tonight. Figured I'd get out of their hair. But, I am out.
Happy Birthday to me. Or not. 19 is not that old.
Apr. 2nd, 2005 @ 07:23 pm
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